The Last Castle: The Review

Never heard of it?
Me niether!?

I guess its just one slipped by the 'ol Radar like a North Korean Nuclear Missle.... ( too soon?)...... I see you Kim JUng!

*What does that even mean?!

Pick up a newspaper ya-jackass!!

jk im not sure what it means either

any who... this is hands down; without a doubt; the single best: wrongly accused war general serving sentence in a military prison i've EVER SEEN!!!

OH YEAH!!!! I SAID IT!!!

If there is a wrongly accused war general serving sentence in a military prison Oscar Award?.. This movie should definatley be in the running! 

It all centers around Aging Heart throb Robert Redford with a cool aloof bravado similar to clint eastwood or a Hetero- John Travolta.

If you thought PRISON movies were fun!  Wait till you see a Military Prison movie!

The crux of the film is the confrontation between new inmate Robby R and the Prison wardan "Tony Soprano"

Its really interesting giving their social confines and limitations how they sort of play this "chess game" for control of the prision. Excellent Strategic Power Struggle.  If I ever go to Prison?  im going to beable to RUN that spot thanks to this movie!  Aaaaand from watching Oz.

I dont know if i already said this but; Robert Redford is a Dream Boat!... there I said it!!... Move over Betty White theres a new candle and flower adorned 20x30 Poster Photo going over MY mantle!!! He's just really fun to watch; a friendly and authoratitve figure that you wish your dad was like.

On the lower end of the spectrum you've got James Gandolfini Aka Tony Soprano "WHOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!! Watch the F*ckin way you Talwk to ya F*ckin Madda ahhh?!"

I dont know i've been watching the Sopranos for YEARS!!! and it just hard for me to get behind him as this sort of soury whoose-bag spineless character.  I just wish he had more force and stronger convictions on his end to help even him out as a worthy advesary for "Dreamy Red"

OH also that guy from 13 going on 30?.. or was it " 17 again"?

eitherway that dudes in this movie. I dont know its just hard for me to believe him even BEING in this movie. I mean there are some THUGGED out criminals; tatoos; wave caps; beards, bald heads, and close fades.  and then you've got THAT guy all teeny-bopper handsome tryna be all " im too cool to have morals?"

get outta here I seen you make out with Jeniffer Goofy Ass Garner a month ago! dont try to be all Sha-Shank Redemptiony

whatevers....

Its a great movie: clever action sequneces, great protaganist antagonist rivalry, excellently directed ( very cool split screen angles) and just a fun movie to disect and analyze from a strategic battle prespective. 

eitherway i'd recomend checking it out with the homies or even alone!  just a Fantastic Film that Snuck under the Radar

4 upside down american flags outta 5!

How to Survive a Hulk Attack

If you ever find yourself in the presence of Bruce Banners bad side. Do your best to remain calm and excericise the below advices to minimize injury or death yourself or those in your immediate surroundings.

1.) If you find yourself blessed with some type of super power be it the ability to fly, an adamantium skeleton; laser visision; or an un-imaginable fortune that has bought you a super suit an an entitled sense of duty to fight crime: scream and run away like the rest of us. The Hulk is the great equalizer; that  is YOU will have no more effect on the monster than my 8 month old cousin.

(aughh who's gonna clean THAT up?)

2.) If you have a modern army; equipped with the latest in tanks, guns, and personel: use them to distract the hulk; along with peices of string and other shiny objects. Use this  precious time wisely:  to evacuate the area

(for future refrence we should probably at a "reverse gear" to tanks)

3.) When Hulk say something like " Hulk Smash You" or " Hulk rip off your arms and legs".. He doesn't mean it as a metaphor; its going to happen. You may as well accept your fate and hope your parents can find your remains.

(I hope I can get Buried in Smallville)

4.) Ladies: Dont be a "Betty Ross".. a females delicate sensibility and kind understanding touch only further angers the mighty beast as he feels like his masculinity is being compromised. Do not approach.

(Jennifer Connley was never scene again)

5.) Bruce Banner is a hilarious dork that we all enjoy pushing around. The hulk is not.

(coindientally Edward Norton is also nothing to mess with: see" "American History X" and "Primal Fear" for more deatail

6.) If you're friend is getting his ass beat by the Hulk. dont be all " hey ya big Lug OVER HERE im the one you REALLLLY want". in an attempt to re focus his anger. Your friend is most likely already dead. There is no need to sign your own death warrant.

(Screw them they're GONE.. lest get outta here Professor X!!!... waaaaait a minute where's you're Wheel Chair?!)

7.) If you live in a Lord of the Rings type universe; and have an army of excellent swordsman; sourcerers; elves and Dwarves ready to defend your Kingdom. Feel free to make a long winded "Gladiator" or " Brave Heart" type speech about the solidarity of the solider and the glory of war". However after your heart felt speech is over you will likely be the one punched in the face the hardrest.

(this is the time when Bravey, Honor, Dignity, Fortit-GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!)

8.) If the Hulk is destroying a bulidng or some peice of architecture that you dont like ex: the IRS building or a statue of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Dont be all like " yeah good work hulk!!!!" If this is done you will have broken his concentration; and his new target will be your face.

(aughh you idiot!.. why'd you SAY that now he's comming OVER here!!!!)

9.) Adamantium Claws are Great; as is laser Vision and the ability to Teleport. But nothing hursts worse than a PUnch to the face from the Hulk.

(yup; this hurt as much as i thought it would)

10.) The Hulks only weakness is his sub-par Cardio Vascular system. If you find yourself in the unforunate situation of being pumeled your best bet is to shield your face and groin area and hope that he tires himself out.

Get Him to the Greek: The Review

Through 2 decades of mindless movie watching; and pro-activley making mildly humoours remarks during films I think ive ACTUALLLY stumbled upon something worth sharing:

I call it " the couched comedic condition": for the next Several Paragraphs I will discuss the Couched Comedic Condition; if expanding your knowledge BORES you; or if  you find the idea of " broadening your horizions tiresome" than please skip the next 4 or so paragaphs until you reach the review.  However if you are an enlightend individual and not a Cave Manish Mornic worthless garbage feeding Neanterthal please continue on the next line:

The Couched Comedic Condition or the "CCC"

The Couch Comedic Condition is an idea that you are more apt to enjoy a comedic film or television show from the comfort of your or a friends couch EXPONENTIALLY MORE SO than you would if you saw that SAME MOVIE in theatres!  Its the same principle that causes magnets to repell or Hot Air Balloons to float. 

Wow Zia! that sounds like a bunch of crap why would I belive you!

Welll First of all Timmy; i'd appreciate if you woudln't use profanity while im trying to explain something; and secondly you should belive me because of this simple fact: Comedy is at its FUNNIEST when its least expected.

(I'll take 3 Jokes Please!)

Not True Zia!! I saw Hang Over in Theatres and I loved it!

Okay  again?!!... dont interrupt me?!.. and second of all your like 4.. you probably understood like 2 jokes in the whole movie.... sooo.. shut the f*ck up.

Now then.

The unexpectedness of someone falling down; or delevring a clever remark gives that particular joke an edge that it may not have had if you were WATING with bated breathe to hear " something of that nature".   When you go to the theatre you're in a more" engaged" or "active viewing mode"  You have  a tendency to scrutinize detail and over analyze plot and dialogue. and basically WAIT for big scenes to blow you away as you cynically tap a finger on your sticky non adjustable arm rest.  I think this is because it is costing you $10 for the next 2 hours.  You are REAdY TO LAUGH!.  And when a joke doesn't meet your UN-REAL expectations? or something ISN"T as funny as you NEED it to be to laugh?.. You'r left dissapointed and unhappy ( like a night of love making with myself).

(..... aughh man.... im so tired.... Do you wanna go get some Burger King?)

Conversley;  if you're sitting at home just flipping through the channels and " Rush Hour" happens to come on you're THAT much more likely to enjoy it bc you're not "expecting" your $10s worth of laughs.  With the dirty  "laughs for moeny" agreement out of the table; you are free to laugh and not laugh at whatever jokes you want making the comedic movie experience THAT much more enriching.

It's the same reason why Stand up Comedy works so well.  When you see a stranger go up there and tell jokes you have no idea what to expect so you're most likely loveing it.   however when its someone that you know like Chris Rock of Dave Chapelle; you're expecting alot... GRANTED DC can deliver; but alot of times they can fall pretty flat. 

(Whos Ass am I gonna have to kick?.. oh you  mean for the Oil Spill Mr. President? ... What Oil SPILL!!!)

what do you think?

is that a legit theory or what!!???
im a SCIENTIST!!!

i TOLD YOU I"D MAKE SOMETHING OF MY LIFE MA!!!!!... btw where is my hamburger helper?!.. im STARVING!!!!!

(you know Zia... back in my day they called me the " Hot DOg Helper"..... dont touch me)

oh snap I can smell it.. i'll catch YOU losers lat-

ahh shit!!.. the review!!!

okay okay.. let me knock this bad boy out real quick!!!

The overall movie was good.

I really liked the some what accurate protrayl of a self destructive rock star from a more comedic prespective (The Role that Comedian Russel Brand was genetically DESIGNED to play).  There were also a few great " whirl wind " fast edit party scenes that would SEEM to resemble a drug enduced party enviornment ( i woudln't know) but It seemed real cool maby i'll give it a try.  Does anyone know where I can purchase drugs from?.. I purchaesed some "Shrooms" from a guy in a back Alley in Tracy; but it turns out they were portebello.  I mean they were delicious!!!! im just saying that wasn't the desired effect i was going for.   anyways.... the movie  actually tackles some relevant issues from the artists and managements prespective; like:

if you were sitting across from Taylor Swift on a plain; and yall started talking; and she asked you if you liked her new album; how would you tell her you're not even REALLLY sure who she is accept for that little girl that Kanye embaressed on stage.  and how would she REACT to your lack of knowledge.

(gimee this Mic ... AND yo' PURSE!)

Or what would you do if DMX asked you to stash an ounce of heroin in your anus?  Or more importantly what he'd do to YOU if you said no.

(anything else you'd like me to store for you mr. X?)

How would you handle getting Courtney Love on Good Morning America at 6AM!

(uhh.. Ms Love we have 40 seconds till air time.. aaaaand I just discovered you're not wearing any panties *sigh.......)

Another thing i've really enjoyed about more recent Judd Aptow ( or however you spell/ prounce it) movies is that he tends to have more well fleshed out characters.

in that there are no clear cut good or bad guys; no clear cut winners or losers (accept for you) ahh i love insulting all 3 of my readers!!!.  They sort of call the viewers moral compass into question forcing them to make judgement calls on the characters themselves.

With that being said; there is also alot of fun use of additional  muscians ie: Pink: Pharrel; Diddy; and.... err.. Merrideth Vearah?

(Meredith is set to play William Defoe in the epic actors Life Story)

Eitherway it wa a pretty fun movie.

Im not a huge fan of using rappers as comedic actors.   I dont like it when a rapper says something un conventiional ( not even funny) just a bit different than what you'd think they'd say in a particular situation and were suppoed to be doubled over our seats in laughter?  (ay dawg can I get some more lemon in my tea)...

(is this there vitamin water in this?.. otherwise im legally not allowed to drink it)

Listen do us both a favor tell your STory?!.. and let ME TELL YOU whats funny i dont NEED you to TELL ME WHATS FUNNY.. YOU HEAR ME.. YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!!... OR I WILL GO BANANA PSYCHO ON YOUR FACE!!

........

*sigh*

I think Diddy was hilarious when he did his award acceptance speech with Ben Stiller; and again more recently with Russel Brand and that fat kid from Super Bad; but I dont like to see him all angry and yelling; and cursing attempting to be funny with every fiber of  his being; it came off to me as 1 dimensonal and a broad brand of comedy that i'd expect a bit more from.

(just pretend one of the above quotes is written right here)

What I will say is this.  Its a fun movie; its a good movie; but its NOT Particularly funny.  I was really laughing at 3 or 4 parts that weren't meant to be the funniest scenes in the movie.  But they were subtle; understated; genuine and relaxed.  I dont neeed huge mishaps, double takes, or the "f word" thrown around like a Big Baby Davis air Ball. 

(the Celtics dont DESERVE another championship)

Sooo.. not a big fan?

I wouldn't go so far as to say that. I definatley give kudos where kudos are do.  And from my Kudo account i'd like to write 2 checks please! 

Sir this is a Bank if you dont have a money withdrawl please leave.

(Im Sorry mr. Akmed? was it?... We dont have Kudos, Cheddar, Skrilla, or any other type of your wierd Muslim Money here)

one cheq for a mr. Russel Brand who is just hilarious in the way that he talks; and his jokes are just fantastically delivered.  Its difficult to tell when he's serious or not; but just really fun to watch as a legitimate rock star; or comedian.  Im curious if he can even DO any other type of roll; but even if he can't he's done GREAT in this one And in Sarah Marshall (you mean FORGETTTING Sarah Marshall)..... 

... nope.

my second check would go to that fat kid from Super Bad  ( i can never remember his name) Although iv'e seen him do better in other movies; his over weight apperance and poorly grown half beard make him a fantastic comedic victim for Russel Brands hygenics and overall crude Behavior.

(I can't belive you forgot my name Zia.. your such a freakign Jerk sometimes I SWEAR I F-ing HATE YOU!)

In the end?... I'd give it 3 starts outta 5.   However had I been sitting at home and accounted for the CCC effect? this movie would have been a 4 if NOT a 4.5!

Dont forget to tune in Next week when I discuss my 5 point Jessica Alba Economic Stimuls Package!

(step 1: WOWZERS!!!!)

Planet Hulk: The Review

I can imagine these Cartoon Movie execs sitting around in the " Marvel Bullpen" or "Geek Headquarters" as I like to call it.  Talking about this movie.  " OKay.. the First Hulk Movie sucked... only Umer liked it... the Second one sucked less but since the FIRST one sucked so MUCH and Ewward Norton seemed to hate it too; people didn't bother seeing our second mildly reduced sucky film,  NOW!.. How do we Market a giant Green Monster in a Post Shrek Movie Marketplace? I NEED IDEAS people!!!!

What-da-ya-GOT?!

".. ehhhh... WHy dont we take a movie.. that ALREADY Exists... and instaed of whom ever is the star of that movie; we'll put the HULK in it!!!!!"

I Like the way you think Oliver,  NOW!.. the question is!!!..... What Movie do we want to rip off?!

"OH!!... Lets do Bridges of Madison County!!!.. The Hulk Crash lands in a small farm town outside New Jersey, where he falls in love with an out of touch farmer played by Clint Eastwood; the two solve crimes together while riding around in their motorcycle and Side Cart"

Hm.... obviously you've never seen BMC; I like the idea; but lets leave that one open for a Fantastic 4 Sequel. 

(The Only Super Heroes my Parents are Cooler Than)

Now then... How do we Sell This Hulk Cartoon?..

OH!!!.. lets just stick Hulk in the Gladiator movie?!...

WHAT?!.. thats less plossible than the Madison County idea?

True; BUT!!.. we can have him fight giant monsters, save a princess!! and RULE THE ROMAN EMPIREEEEE!!!

okay first of all; put your shirt back on.

sorry

Secondly; we neeed to keep him angry at all times otherwise he WONT be the HULK!

c'mon PEOPLE MORE IDEAS!!

OH!!... what if we do like a TWILIGHT  movie where Hulk is a SEXY green vampire?!

.................



YOu know what; i've gotta have this idea submitted by 4:40; Lets do the Gladiator thing.

and THAT is how Planet Hulk was CREATED!

a movie where the Hulk Crash Lands on a foreign world ( courtesy of his SO CALLED friends) the avengers.  Where he Beats the respective asses of: Red Aliens, Blue Aliens, Ant Looking Aliens, Rock Looking Aliens, and Alien Prince and Giant Monsters; all in a script that mostly resembles an excuse for the Hulk to beat the shit out of any/ everything in his presence; but loosely resembles the plot to Gladiator.

($20 says this fight doesn't last longer than it takes you to read this sentence)

With the odd acception that Hulk can not only talk; but maintains an aloof bad ass " "Vind Diesel" like attitude;

What are you rebelling against HULK?!!

*Lights a Cigarettte; takes a puff*

"What-da-ya Got......"

(Hulk!.. youre outta Control!!! LOook I wanan get the guys tha tkilled your partner JUST as bad as YOU DO! but you're not following The Rules!  "Rules?!.. Hulk plays by his OWN rules! ".. you Badge and your GUN... NOW HULK!!!! )

 and annoyingly slow animation the movie was KINDA fun to watch.

But than again i was rasied on Cartoon Violence.  Everything from Ninja Turtles right up until the Batman Animated Series.  So any comic inspired cartoon is going to get a sit through from me.

(Is Michealangelo Winking at me?)

But for the average non-hulk/ non-cartoon enthusiast this movie is a definant (and some what boring) pass.

but me?

2.5 Not so Jolly Green Giants out of 5!

Prince Of Persia: The Sands of Time: The Review

Why Does White Boy Jake Gylennhall ( or however you spell it) Get to be the Prince of Persia?!... do you know how many Middle Eastern and South Asian actors would have killed infedels for that ROLE!?

For ONCEE!!!! Hollywood has an oppurtunity to make middle eastern/ Muslim culture to NOT look like the most ignorantly violent culture in the history of humanity and what do they do?!... replace us all with WHITE People!!??.. awesome.... PERFECT!! 

well if THATS the case then you should have used WHITE people for all the Persians you killed in 300; and all the Terrorists whos asses Arnold beat in True Lies, and hate on .... I dont know.... WYoming?! on Fox News!

While we're on the subject how come all of these White people are like the protaganists in these ethnically cultural films?!  Kevin Costner in Last of the Mohicans?!... Tome Cruise in "The Last Samurai", Sam Worthington as the GREATEST Avatar in History? and Comming Next Summer " The  Mike Tyson Story" Starring Bradly Cooper?!

Granted; more ethnically diverse actors like Vin Diesel; and Dwayne" The Rock" Johnson ( can we just go back to calling him the rock now?) dont really make good cases for themselves by starring in idiot movies like " The tooth Fairy" and "The Pacifier"; but All im saying is GIVE 'um a SHOT!?... COudn't you see Kal Pen jumping over roof tops with his side kick Harold?!.. fighting bad guys and saving princesses?!

(nm... I dont really wanna see that movie)

Anywaaaaaysss!!

Overall?

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time or as I like to call it " Prince of Persia: Jake Gylennhalls shirt does not have sleeves" was pretty tight!!

(Jake Gylenhall scene here in traditional middle eastern Action Hero Garb)

The Story moved  a bit quick giving it some what of a cartoonish plot; and not allowing vieweres to connect with any characters very deeply; but as far as some of the stunts and special effects go it was ALOT of fun!! (Granted.... as much fun as I could have sitting two rows away from the screen; and falling asleep every 15 minutes* not the movies fault: not to self: never watch a 9:45 show!*) but eitherway it was a REALLLY fun movie.

(I too have replaced myself with a caucasian actor!)

 

The story revolves around Jake Gylenhall traveling through time ( oh you mean like Donnie Darko?).. err... well no... I mean maby that time travel experience helped him get the job?!  but to be honest with you it'd only be between him and Micheal J Fox; and ... let's be honest  I think they made the right call. 

ANYWAYSSSS!!... Lots of crazy acrobatics; jumping roof top to roof top; you know; basic Aladdin Style Theivery! ( Minus the Gilber Godfrey Parrot) combined with amaaaazingly cool special effects whenever anyone actually pushes the "time travel dagger button" which is not what it was called in the movie... but SHOULD have been!

(Not only will the Time Traveling Dagger cut through soup cans; but if you call in the next 10 minutes you'll get the travel time travel dagger for FREE!!! Just pay the cost of shipping )

Also speical note to the un-usually attractive love interest in the movie ( unforunatley heath ledger wasn't available) but his replacement was nothing to shake a miswaq at!

(YAMA HAMA!!!!)

All in all this movie is pretty entertaining, and if your'e going to see it do so on the big screen; are we talking about Iron man 2 quality block buster here?.. or Course not.  Lets just call this bad boy: Aladdin meets Back to the Futre and then CHEATS on her with Indiana Jones!!!!  so your not sure who's baby it is... And even though you totally loved her; and really want her back!!.. she's happy with her new man...and they're moving into a condo next week; and they're putting BOTH THEIR NAMES ON THE LEEEEAASE!!!! and  she says that no matter HOW many bouquets of flowers, boxes of chocolates, or viles of blood that you send her she's NEVER going to take you back!!!!

OH GOD WHYYYY INDIANA JONES: CURSE OF THE CYRSTAL SKULLL!!!! WHY WOULD LEAAAAVE MEEE!!!!.... im SOOOO LOOOOONLEY!!!!

aughhhhhhhhhhh!!!

mmm....

ahem...

*sniff*

..............but if you've got nothing to do on a Friday Night but writing love notes by cutting letters out of magazines ( and lets face it... you DONT!) check it out! 

3 time traveling daggers outta 5