Monsters Ball: The Review

How you gonna call this  movie Monsters Ball with no Monsters or sports references in it.  If space Jam was called Monsters Ball that'd be awesome!

This movie should have been called " Billy Bob Thorton does it Awkwardly with Halle Barey"  THAT is a more descriptive title for this film.

EITHERWAY.... even though it was slow; with sparce dialouge and not REALLLY too much going on.

It was an intersting story.  And sometimes with these independent artsy type stuff?.. its not what the story is about...

its HOW its told.

and this story is told Very well. Halley Barry is amazing ( and not just naked) she's a teriffic actress; who plays her character insanely well!

Billly Bob Thorton... meh... he's always like that.. so im not sure what i should be looking for.

It had some great framing and composition work; along with some mildly tense moments of people just doing regular things?  It was just a really interseting " Juxta position" \<--- augh i've wanted to use that word FOREVER!!!!

(typed in "Juxta Position" on google images and this is what came up... i coudln't RESIST!!!!)

Eitherway; really well written ( whatever writing there REALLY is) excellently directed; kudos to Ray Romanos Dad for taking on such a controversial role!  *ay Frank you talk shit about HB you gonna wind up in an old folks home!*

Also Kudos to Ray Romano for titling the show "everybody loves raymond" and calling his charcter in the show ray romano which i think is his real name?

0 Kudos to Bill Cosby whos name on the show is Cliff Huckstible.. im not really sure why it was called the Cosby show?

also 0 Kudos to  heath ledger for eerily for-shadowing his own fate. Err.. in Monsters Ball; not the Cosby Show.

all in all?  really good movie; a but slow with some awkward " love" scenes; more deep seated underlying guilt than waht you did last spring break and slightly less racial tension Than Mike Meyers and Kanye West

Also be ready to not be fully satisfied with the end as we all tend to know most " Oscar Winning" films are.  As long as you know that going in? and you're aware of the heavy tones of the sujbect matter you're going to have a GREAT TIME at the movies!!

or walk away crying your eyes out

(Jenny; you need to go to the other room to blow your nose; i can't enjoy Halle Barry Topless like this)

im not going to micro manage youre reactions...

Excellent Film.

5 Monster Balls outta 5

Brothers: The Review

You Know?  I saw the preview for this movie in theatres.  But after its release date?  I never heard about it again.  You know what that means?.. BOX OFFICE FLOP!!!  (PFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRR)))!!

what was that?

(THAT... is the sound of a fart)

really?

(yeah.. if you READ it.. that's what it would sound like)

... well you dont really read farts you hear and smell them so im not sure what you're doing

(you are TRULEY a rogue scholar my friend)

.... anyways.... So when you're presented with a situation regarding a flop movie;  you gotta aks yourself: what do i do? DO i go with my GUT that tells me this is a good movie and worth my hard earned dollar? (or net flix que) Or do i say; the marketing team determined this project to be a wash and so should I?

After consulting several self help books, truth about the "higher power" novels, and a Tony Robins Seminar I deided yes..... YES!!... yes....I will see this film!.

and you know what?!

.. I WAS RIGHT!!!! aughh I feel so self actuzlied!

(your'e Right Mr.Robbins; i WILLL see Alvin and the Chipmunks the Sqweekel)

This was a reallly good movie; There is alot of interesting drama and some crazy stuff that happens.  But its not WHAT happens but the WAY it happens.  It was very grounded in reality  along with the very organic dialogue.   You could have sworn this whole scenario played out at your next door neighbors house.

Jake Gylenhall ( must habe been beefin up for his Prince of Persia movie.... I dont see why he got the part!  I mean he's not even MIDDLE EASTERN!!!!... meanwhile  when I havn't even gotten my CALL BACK yet) but whatevers he was lookin REAL big and he was a really unique character: 40% drunk belligernt loser and 60% just really cool fun loving patricarchal substitute  (the PERFECT FATHER!).  the movie as a whole was well presented, and as creepy and twisted as it was; a JOY to watch. 

(keep going Jake; youre not quite Persian enough)

as for the little girl?! GOLD STARS!! ( thats that what they give out in kindergarden... right?) to the older little girl in the movie who coudln't have been more than 9 showing the vast emotional range of a 30-something women at the tender age of ... er...whatever ( single digits for sure)  I was like aughh man this lil girl is displaying this wide array of regular little girl antics and  conveying insane emotional tourment ; and playing it belivably; meanwhile mean while I have the emotional range of a Grape Fruit! (I am chalk full of Vitamin C though...)

(gross your emotional capacity has seeds)

as far is being a box office floP? I think i know why..... they leave the film mildly open ended.  But i think as long as you're  warned about that up front; you wont walk out of it all dissapointed.

but forreal a solid end would have given this film a perfect rating

4 brothaz  (another awesome movie; what up MARKY MARK!)  outta 5

(Okay Mark; for this shot we're going to need you to look 70% tough and 30% Constipated.... AAAAAAAAAAAND GO!.... okay you kinda flipped those precentages  around but the shot works!.. thats a WRAP PEOPLE!)

Couples Retreat: The Review

Wow....

Sorry PJ

THAT was a really bad movie. That Movie was so bad it made GILI look good!

I've never seen Gili but...  err.

... I dont know i just wanted to be mean....

was that too mean though?

aughh.. now i feel bad....

..

ANWAYS!!!...  you think John Faverou ( or however you spell it) and Vince Vaughn really know way around a comedy  RIGHT?

no.. if you thought that you would be a complete moron and have no friends. 

aughh why am i so mean?!

either way I dont  know maby they were trying to appeal to an older, broader, or stupider audience?

(yeah You!)

Well ;Mean Zia;  May i inquire as to how you arrived at this rather negative conclusion?

Yes you may respected reader.  and BTW you dont have to call me " Mean Zia"

"Regular or Handsome Zia will do just fine"

How about Asshole Zia?...

.....

lets just move on.

But yes; I arrived at this conclusion   quiet simply really.... just take a series of Overly unrealistic situations, the most BASIC of BASIC couples therapy jokes,  an unBELIEVABLY crapily  crafted plot, add a few insanely inaccurate depiction of urban culture, (c'moooon big DADDY im tryna up and get my PAAAAARTY ON.. yeah baby boo. its not 2003 anymore mmkay? thanks!!!)  OH!!!.. and dont forget the awkwardly placed  20 minute Guitar Hero commercial! Which is the Moron Cherry  top one of the most generically crafted  Sundaes  i've eatin in a LOONG time!

(Romantic Comedies: High in Calories; Low on Content)

But wait there was some Whip Cream on the Sundea too in: the fact that they're on this amazingly gorgeous island that shows up CRYSTAL CLEAR in Blu-Ray?

and delcious brownie chunks with the Sundae : all of the lead females in this role are gorgeous!  And deserve to be in their underwear and bikinis as they looked like they were involved in some type of contest to see who can be the hottest; and all of them had personal trainers and nutrionists or something!  Well i've got NEWS for you ladies your ALL winners

(Wow; these are some GREAT BEACHES; oh... and the sand and water are okay too... )

The Sundea Also has nuts when The  men in the movie... looked like they were ALSO in a competition; to see who had the WORST body possible.

Hey Vince two words: Diet Dr. Pepper...

err... thr-

(Vince Vaugn Seen Here preparing for his next role as Penguin in the up comming Batman Film)

Never MIND! 

The Sundea also has an extrea helping of carmel sauce when-

"Okay!!!.. your moron Sundae Movie Metaphor?!.. not working  okay so lets move on"

nah i've gotta really good transition here lemee just poor the

"MOOOOOOOOOOVE ONNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!"

..........

(Finally!....)

*snifff*..

...

are you cr?--

But yeah; other than a series of mild chuckles i can count on my left hand, this movie is nothing to write home about; and no reason to retreat to.

I honestly feel like the characters took on this role so they could vacation it up; and still get paid;

(ahhhh Jokes on you; you came to see our movie!.. THATS the worst $10 you EVER spent!)

Or perhaps have their Sundaes and eat it to?

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!!!"

1 PJ appology outta 5

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: The Review

Im not gonna lie to you.

I just rented this bc i thought it would be an okay movie ( like How to Train your Dragon)....

they should rename that movie ( how to lose your dragon in 10 days; and get mathew Mchanaugay ( however you spell it) and Kate Hudson to be in it?...)

Anyways.... so i thought it was going to be something like that right? medium funny; cool graphics, and something you can go home and try out on your dragon.


but I Saw it?!... and it was a GREAT MOVIE!!! like Gone with the Wind GREAT! ( well i havn't really seen that) but its probably just as good... ( that movie is about food that gets blown around in the wind during the civil war right?)

Anyways..

the lead character that intenvtor guy? is absolutley hilarious!!...

its just a really fun smartly written; excellently delivered film. VERY cool special effects; and just an idea thats REALLY awesome! (food falling from the sky?! why hasn't this idea done BEFORE!).. It should be its own Genre!!!!.... Horror; Drama; Edible Perceptiation!

I dont know i mean part of the charm of this movie is that when I watched it?.. i expected nothing so it REALLY delivered

However, now that YOU know what I think... you maby expecting more?.. (if that is the case: I appologize in advance....... but you probably shoudln't be reading blogs at work anyways... so technically its your OWN FAULT);

The film definatley had the comedic flavor and timing of my favorite comedy of all time " Hot Rod" staring Andy Samberg?

Aughh what?!!.. you havn't seen Hot Rod?!.. are you playing with me?!

(Dont WORRY! Im gonna get you better Frank.. and after I do.. im going to bEAT YOU TO DEATH!!!!)

Listen.... you need to stop reading this RIGHT NOW!!!.... tell your Boss your Wife is having a Baby; if your Not married tell them someone ELSES wife is having your baby.

EItherway.. make your way outta the office get a big tub of Jelly Beans unplug your phone; jump in the hot tub; get those bath salts?.. not the ones from Bed Bath and Beyond; those generics are lame..


I KNOW 6 for a dollar is a GREAT price; but i can't be naked around non brand name products

Ovo: The Review

Aughhh I know.... Everyones prettty much already scene it; and the circus has left town; so theres no real point in even TALKING about it.

but HEY!... when your un -employed and living at home with your parents in Tracy; anything thats not shooting empty cans of RC cola with a Bebe guns or working on my new clothing line with good 'ol boys Jim Bob and Cousin Earl; pretty much seems like a good use of time.

(Our New Fall Line will be available in the Greater Tracy Area)

Anyways; just an FYI this is not the type of circus where a bear wears a little fez cap and rides around on a uni-cycle ( unforunatley)

its also not the type of circus where women take their clothes of for money. (unforunatley)


it ISSS the type of circus where gymnastis and acrobats show case their amazing talents through insane athletics while telling a loosley put together story about a bug? that loses his egg.. er "Ovo?"

(if you'll look to the far left you'll see the turtle neck nerd bug and to its right the lezbian manits moth)

anyways... it started off really cool!... this dude doing crazy hand stands; one handed hand stands; pretty much just embaressing every man in the crowd with his amazing upper body and core strength!

also there were tons of crazy people dressed as bugs walking through the audience

.. errr they were part of the show right?
...

what show?

jk

but forreal it was alot of fun to watch.

crazy trapeeze artists ( is that how you spell it) and how come THEY"RE the only ones consiedred artists? what about ppl who jump around on trampolines ( is THAT how you spell it?) or acrobats? how come its not acrobat artists?

I DEMAND EQUALITY for ALL CIRCUS PERORMERS!!!

WE NEED a Martin Luther King for Circus Ole!! ( more like a martin luther Queen ZIIIiiiiiing!!!!)

(Uh UH!!!! Shanay-nay Career NOT OVA!!! I GOTTA DREAM TOO OKAAAAAAY!!!.... when Bad Boys 3 commin out?)

...

nice.

anyways whatevers..... im not gonna lie to you?.. that shit is fun to watch for about 45 minutes. but after that?

im not gonna lie to you.. it gets bit repetitive; Its only entertainig for so long before you're like.. auhhh okay i get it... you can do 10 backflips in a row; doing 20 is not going to impress me anymore....

I will say that the really fun parts where the comedic ones with the over-weight oprah beatle and the overly slim geek-roach. There non-verbal communication was pretty fun to watch. But again i've seen some Disney movies and cartoons that do a much better job.

(A Scene from the "Precious" Broadway show)

BUT i will say this in closing. If you've never seen a circus ole show? (more like circus o-gay) ....excellent.... you should REALLLY check out it .... the whole venue had great seats just grab a $30 tick.

but if you wanna ask me if I"D go again?

imma have to deeeeeeeeeeecline.

unless some super hot chick asks me to take her

( and we both know thats not going to happen)

4 Ovos outta 5

Precious: The Review

How do you turn a monsterously Obese; and un attracitve female Lead Protaganist into a likeable character that the audience not only emotionally invests in, but GENUIENLY wants to see come out okay?

.... I dont know either!

(slap a Kangol on her and call it Notrious?!)

HAHAH!!!!... i mean- shut up.

(and if ya dont know.. now ya KNOW!)

But this movie brings it and Brings it HARD!!!

Precious is some chick that lives in the suuuuper suuuuuper ghetto with her equally over -weight an un attractive mother played by Big Fat Monique ( who gives the perofrmance of a life time!!!!)

I cannot explain to you how captivating and emotionaly disturbing this movie is.

I dont know how you can tell such a smart and sharply written story about really crass un educated people; and stil make it entertaining; funny; honest; and .... just a GREAT movie.

(Monique seen here doing the Diabetes Shuffle)

"go down tothe welfare office and get you some chicks ya-old fat ass!"

-now?

"NO!!! not NOW!!!.. its 9 AT NIGHT!!!!! go down dare in the MORNING.. ya bigg ass idiot!"

not only that the movie is un-blinkingly "raw" when necessary; but at the same time extremley polished with flawlessly unexpected special effects and hilarious, yet sadly necessary dream sequences.

(A Seen from Moniques next film 2pac; a retrospective of the legendary rappers life had he been overweight... and a women.... too many fat jokes?)

Daym Zia; you wanna get off this movies jock?

you know what?

no... I dont..

There is not a single thing i'd change about this movie. Infact I think its important for everyone to see it, bc to be HONEST wih you?

stuff like this REALLY does happen, and this movie captures it as is. Granted there were a FEW parts that were shown just to demonstrate the lack of class or any sense of sophistication on behalf of Monique ;that i thought were a touch unnecessary... but Hey.... if you say " take it or leave it"?

imma TAKE IT!!

wait..

im not sure what i just agreed to.

Kudos to Mariah Carey for doing such a plain jane role; and doing a terrific acting job.

(Both Mariah Carey [Left] and Micheal Jackson [Right] make a cameo in the film)

actually you know what Kudos ALL around!!.... to everyone ecspecially that PRETTY little thing who teaches precious-ses class?

umm... i'd try to get my GED too if i KNEW she was gunna be teachin Zia how to Read Good!

(lookin GOOD sweetheart!?... who the one on the left or right?)

Ay Mami i dont know the alphabet and alla that, but maby we should switch it up and put "U" and "I" together what you thinkin about that sweetheart?

... fair enough mr. Ahmad. if you can recite the alphabet flawlessly i'll make out with you here and now.
.................................................

okay Zia... you can do this...

um...........

L?

"im sorry Zia; that is incorrect!"

AUGHHH!!!!! i lost yet ANOTHER WOMEN because of my LBCs!!!!!

6 stars outta 5!

How to Train Your Dragon: The Review

b4 you start commin at me all sideways talkin like " ahhh that movie is for kids you giant baby; how you gonna see that!!!".... please allow me to rebuttle with the following argument:

"SHUT UP!!! YOU JERK!!!! calling ME a BABY when 10 min ago... week you were wearing Footie Pajamas!!.....

and dont play the old " orthopedic jumpsuit" card with me!!! it had kittens on it"

.............

seriously though where did you get that from?... it was soooo cute!!

marshals really?.. do you think they'll have my size?

I mean.. my waist is a bit bigger than yours.. aughh i SWEAR i HATE your figure its so...

............

(Im Twenty Swevwon Yeews Ode)

Anyways.... How can you NOT see something called " How to Train your Dragon" I mean c'mon.. when you were 9 that was the coolest idea EVER!!!

PLus whats gonna happen if you see a dragon right now?!!.. if you didn't see this movie... you're going to have NO CLUE what to do!

anyways!!!... it was a cool flick.... I always say; if your tryna put out a movie; you need to tell a story about ONE thing and ONE thing only. Also I always say if your going to travel back in time dont TOUCH anything. Any minor change in the past can GREATLY EFFECT THE FUTURE!!!!

( Jumpin Jigga-WATS!!!!)

...... what was i talking about?

OH YES!!!! movies!

okay so........ a movie can only REALLY tell one story; but in THIS flick you've got these Vikings; and this whole viking culture which you're trying to explain; THEN you've got these dragon battle training sessions; OH ALSO dont forget about the little boy interacting with a Dragon doing a " field study" and LASTLY you've got your whole dragon culture.

I mean it KINDA worked but all the above mentioned things are story that take time AWAY from the meat of the flim (or for you vegetarians the Soy of the flim) ...wich is the boys relationship with his dragon.

(This Movie is Missing Something; .."oh is it missing meat"?-No.. its missing being GOOD!... That really didn't make sense)

so... yeah..... alot of time needed to build heart; and invest emotionally in the main characters were sort of eaten by these additional side stories ( if that make sense)

They did some really cool things animation wise as far as the way the MAIN dragon looked and how his movements seemd to be inspired alot from cats (no the musical.... )

the OTHER dragsons however looked a bit goofy and overly playful.

I mean if you're going to tell a story about savages killing horrid beasts slap on an R or at LEAST PG rating and show a little bit of violence and some cool scary action sequences? Or take it to the MAX and make it rated X; forget about the dragons all together and see if Jenna Jameson is available.

(not like i know who that is or whatevers)

(How To Train Your Dragon: As seen with NC17 Glasses )

I dont know i think inheritntly the subject matter of the film is a little too difficult to be a childrens film.

Daym Zia you haytin on this movie that much?

okay jack ass... you didn't let me finish!

it wasn't ENTIRELY bad; there were some cool parts; I really liked the scenes when the kid was riding the dragon; and some of the jokes were kinda fun

" the only thing you need to change is ... ahhhh this"

" you just gestured to ALL OF ME!"

aughh also Gerard Butler reprises his 300 Voice to be the main characters father in the movie so THAT was cool; but i dont know i really felt like the animation was soooo overly... intricate?.. i mean there were beard hairs ;crazy hats; really big arms and an overly big wooly cape...

it was just too much going on for one character; and it just made it a little harder to get into.

Also the last action sequence was slightly confusing; but up; alla the aronautics ( is that a word?) seemed really accurate and fun to watch.

(Call 1800-Geico ; a 15 minute call could save you up to 15% on your auto insurance!)

as a whole?

descent movie; but your not even TOUCHING movies like "Up" or "Toy Story" or "Wall-E"

3 tame-able dragons outta 5.